


Aphelion

by CloudDreamer



Series: Theater of Tragicomedy [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Lesbians, POV Second Person, The Homestuck Epilogues, Trauma, astrological metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-23 20:17:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudDreamer/pseuds/CloudDreamer
Summary: Vriska kinnie indulgence.Did I shamelessly steal the title for this fic from one of my favorites? Maybe. Do I love Vriska? Absolutely.





	Aphelion

You are a girl, living in hell, and you are nothing without a purpose, and the world gives you one.

And it’s shitty luck, a natural twenty, and a complete coincidence all at once. You’re a killer, guided by a journal and a spider for a mother, and you play alone. 

Until meet another girl, and she’s got bright red chalk around her neck where she’s written dotted lines. You fight until you don’t, and you’re suddenly a force for justice. You take, and you are taken from in equal measures. You’ve always known this girl with her ropes and her plushies. She’s the first you reach for, and the last you let go. And you are justice. You are her tool, and you think you might be happy.

You are comfortable with her, and she is comfortable with you. As you grow, you slip into each other's hearts, and it’s as natural as the eights you speak in, as natural as the blue you bleed. She is your sun and being with her burns. She knows right and wrong like she knows the freckles on your face, while you fail her again and again.

She is your sun and the only light in your world. When she smiles, her sharp teeth are all you see. But your moons are insistent, demanding blood. She is hungry, and his silver tongued words are a challenge you can’t resist. You hate him, but he’s always right and never cares about anything, and you care more than anyone else has ever cared about anything.

You act with impulsive carefully cultivated, and you punish yourself with shame for every misstep. Terezi would never make your mistakes, you know, because she is good and just. 

And when she hurts you, it is righteous. 

And when she hurts you, you know you asked for it. You begged for it, taunting her and lashing out, because you love her and hate yourself for loving so strongly.

And when she hurts you, you are happy because it means you are finally even. You are so deliriously happy that you don’t stop to consider that she won’t be happy then.

It takes the end of the world for her to come to you again, and you lash out when she doesn’t seem to care. You are this planet beneath your feet aphelion, in the blackest void of space, and you didn’t know how cold you were until she was gone.

And you have Kanaya, but she’s not HER. All she does is fuss and meddle, but she doesn’t hurt. No matter how hard you push her, all she does is spar with her clever little retorts that you know you aren’t smart enough to parry.

And Aradia will haunt you too, because you killed her. You killed her, and all you can think about is how it makes YOU feel. You get your neighbor to fix her, but he steals the glory too. And you know that if you can’t pay with gold, you’ll pay with blood. 

You kiss Tavros, because you think it will make you feel something. And it does— it makes you feel disgust. It makes you feel the hole in your heart. It makes you want to tear it out of your chest and pound it. 

You play the game, and you play it better than anyone else on your dumb team. You play it better than Terezi, who’s doing fine without you. With the boy she loves/hates. Karkat is what she needs, and Tavros is what you need. You pretend he is something more than a candle and replace her, like she’s just a mechanical part. 

And Aradia comes back, beautiful and cold in the metal body you arranged for her, and when you see her, you are so happy because this means you will be even.

You can even make Tavros a hero. It will ignite his heart, and he will burn like she does, except this time, you’ll be the one in control. 

Except he leaves you to die, and you aren’t sure why.

You did everything right, didn’t you?

You try again. John is a better fit. He doesn’t bend and bend until there’s nothing left, and he doesn’t run away. But he’s so soft, and you cut yourself on the edges of what Terezi leaves behind. You pretend you payed attention for a reason greater than that she'd used him first, and you pretend pushing him isn't something to do with how she is pushing Dave. Problem is, you aren't a very good liar. 

When Tavros breaks and tries what she should’ve done the moment she met you, you kill him first. It’s easy. Effortless. You sit there, having stolen and stolen until there was nothing left. His blood isn’t even on your hands. So clean. It should’ve felt like something. When John starts to think you might be a monster, you know he’s probably right. Heroes don’t need someone else to tell them what good is. And he’s a hero.

He can be a star, but he’s falling through your fingers like air. 

And she’s a hero when she kills you... until she hasn’t anymore— he’s hit you instead, and he’s a hero then, but he’s also gone and all that's left is Terezi, as confused as you are.

Karkat is there too, trying to fix things, but he’s woefully incompetent. You try to explain yourself, but she shakes her head, says it doesn’t matter. She tells you what to do, and finally, you feel home. She burns like the sun, but it’s a good pain. It’s a stretch, expanding your capacity, and it’s the green electricity harnessed as a beacon to guide you.

Terezi is everything you are not, and that is beautiful. It is also brutal. 

You are her friend and her enemy, but you’ve never been her equal. She is a hero, like John is, and she is worthy of so much more than you can give her. You want to be worthy of her love and her hate in equal measure, but you’re scared you don’t even have her respect so you can’t ask her. And when your three years in the light of her brilliant sun are over, you run away from the eternity with her to face the final boss because you still think it’s your fault he exists in the first place. 

You still see him as a score to be settled,

You’re torn away from your victory, and you were useless after all. You could’ve stayed with her, and it wouldn’t have mattered at all. Another mistake. Another shame. You're a universe apart from your sun’s blinding light, and all you see is your own self induced darkness. You are in a black hole of your own creation, bleeding blue. 

So you kiss a clown, and you make yourself pay for your own fuck ups. Except, this time, there’s a voice in your head, and that voice tells you that you don’t need him. That you don’t need the pain to know you fucked up. That you can still fix things. You burn on your own this time. 

When a girl with your name and two mothers that are both strong and kind comes your way, you listen to her, because she is a you that knows how to accept the love she’s given. She is a you that knows how to love.

And when you listen to her, you can put your pain behind you and take the girl you’ve always loved to love back.


End file.
